Written by a one well behaved (and slutty) sub.
I’m sure for anyone reading this, you’ve heard the old adage, that first impressions count. A seemingly obvious observation, that we all too often forget. One we forget in the most inconvenient of situations, whether that might be trying to make new friends, meeting the parents for the first time, or applying for a relationship with a Domme..
Okay, so the last example might not be the one that springs to mind. But if you’re reading this, you’re almost certainly a perverted kinkster like myself, who has either made such an application, or has been on the receiving end of one. Some of which are well thought out, polite and diligent, and some of which that raise eyebrows for all of the wrong reasons.
So you’re excited. You’ve done your homework and found a Domme that looks like a great fit for you. You sit yourself down to begin writing to them and consider what might be the most productive way to start that relationship. Is it a cataloguing of your physical features? Some vague assertions about how irresistibly attractive you are? Or better yet, a severe over estimation of your manhood that makes it sound comparable to the biggest order you can make at Subway? Because guess what, NONE OF THIS IS HELPFUL! If this were to be your opening gambit for anything, I can guarantee you that at best, you wouldn’t be getting a response.
Domme’s look for a reason not to see you, shocking right? But they do. A profession that is full of timewasters and potentially difficult situations, means that they have to be selective with the people they give their time to. Do they put faith in a good relationship with our type A person who lauds their almost certainly bullshit physical attributes as a reason to proceed. Or do you think they may spend their time replying to what I shall call our type B person, who puts careful thought into what they can offer as a Sub, and why they would be a good fit for the domme. I can assure you it’s the type B person.
Not only do they need to be careful of timewasters and people who could be bad news for them, think about what you’re actually asking for by seeing them. Any kind of SW, requires intimacy and a level of connection. None more so than a relationship between a Domme and sub. It requires two people taking the time to explore one another’s thinking, to make sure that both participants get the best out of their time together. Sessions are not just the component parts of spanking and CBT, they’re an investigation into what really makes people tick, and that’s a tough thing to go looking for. An important starting point for this will always be, what time have you taken to do your research and how have you approached the situation. How is a Domme expected to spend their time on a sub, really getting to know them, if their introduction is from type A person. It’s neither helpful nor a good place to execute their business and first impressions count.
If you need some help in working out how to make a good first impression, here are a few things I would say to remember...
1) Avoid being too pushy, you’re paying for someone’s time, but not all of their time. Remember that the amount of time they spend on you, is time not spent doing other things. If you’re being too pushy, you’re taking up someone’s valuable time and will most likely get blocked. Cruel? Perhaps. But imagine if someone was to do the same to you in your own job, it’s annoying right.
2) Don’t try and negotiate. Plenty of other people will happily pay the right rate for their time, so why should you be any different?
3) Be polite. Literally doesn’t cost anything, and in any other setting, there would be no need to impolite, so why do differently here? If you’re rude all of the time, well, a Domme won’t fix you so take your business elsewhere.
4) Don’t ask for things which have already been outlined as a hard no. Literally every Domme will have this on their website, if it’s a hard no, it’s a hard no.
5) Try and be specific. If it’s an ongoing relationship, you’ll uncover things as the relationship develops, but try and have an idea of what you want to get out of the session beforehand. Don’t make the first 20 minutes of conversation a game of fishing for information. It’s okay to be nervous but try to be clear.
6) And lastly, don’t be a dick. Sounds obvious, but whilst writing all of this, I realised it can be easily summarised as don’t be a dick. Have a bit of humility, think about how you’d want to be approached if the shoe was on the other foot, and do that. It’s not rocket science, it’s as simple as anything else you’d ever apply to do, first impressions count, make sure it’s a good one.